If not now, when?

A lot of people make fun of me for the great big planner I carry around with me. In this day and age people tend to use their phones for reminders and electronic calendars, so my old school planner is laughable to some. On the other hand, some people like my planner because it features quotes that can be inspirational, sometimes funny, and some that offer advice. When I wrote down my appointment for my IVF consultation on the calendar I didn’t look at the quote for that week. I turned the page a couple days ago to look at my schedule for work, noting again that my appointment was almost here, and it was at that time that i saw it... the quote for this week. It read: “If not now, when?”. I was so surprised and in shock about the coincidence. It was the most clear sign to me, a huge flashing sign right in front of my face. This is real, this is right, this is now, and I’m going to be a mommy. Funny thing is, I don’t really even believe in signs. I usually just chalk things up to coincidence. But this big sign has converted me into a believer. 

I am incredibly excited about my consultation, it’s tomorrow! Every ounce of me is ready to get this process started. I’m finding it difficult to keep my emotions in check. I know I have to achieve a healthy balance of hope, excitement, and reality. I might not be able to sleep tonight, but if I do I know what I'll be dreaming of:)

-Mel 

My first post- A little history

I have dreamed of him or her so many times its hard to count. I have cried over something that doesn't exist more than I have cried over anything in my life...

I can say that throughout my life there have been times when this hasn't mattered to me. Actually, it has been in the last few years that this has become an extremely sensitive topic for me, and a desire that I didn't even know how to begin to fulfill... I really want to have a child. Sounds simple right? Unfortunately, not for me.

When I was young I had something called a teratoma, which is a tumor (a very gross tumor lol) that attached itself to my ovary. The teratoma was benign thankfully, but my ovary did need to be removed with it. A few years later, I ended up with another tumor on my other ovary that also ruptured and needed to be removed. Although the experience and pain were awful, once the ordeal was over I was fine and I went about my life like normal. There were definitely some positives to having my ovaries removed when I was younger because I didn't have to deal with the monthly challenges of being a woman. Most women have some choice words for me when they find that out haha. But as I entered my late 20s, it really started to set in that this was in no way a positive thing for my future.


I'm not sure that anyone can comprehend this, unless they have experienced the same thing. Many of you don't even know this about me, because it's not something I discuss very much. Even less of you know how much I want a child and how much it affects me. Being stripped of my ability to have a child has been my biggest struggle in adulthood, and it's time for me to move forward with my life, as a parent. 

My choice is to move forward with IVF (invitro-fertilization) in order to have a child. To do this, I will need a donor on both sides, and then I will have amazing doctors who can give me the baby I want so very much. 

I recently had a wellness checkup and I am healthy and a good candidate for IVF. I have an appointment for an amazing fertility doctor on January 6th. I very much need your prayers/positive thinking/love and support in order to make this happen. I'm so excited for this next chapter. 

- <3 Mel